March 18.
I have been dreading this day.
I should have been looking forward to today with excitement. I should be worried and excited about all the things that come with having a new baby. Instead, I'm feeling empty and so heartbroken that I don't get to be with my sweet baby girl who was born on October 23, 2009 at 20 weeks.
Ellie. Cory never liked that name, but I'm sure, had I been able to carry her to term, I would have talked him into it. We should be home together as a family. I should be deciding what darling little outfit to put her in today, and I should be stressed out, and loving every minute of it. I never thought this would happen to me.
I know many people who have lost a child and my heart aches for them. The devastation I feel at losing my baby is more that I can explain. I never got to know her, I don't know who she would have taken after, if she would have been stubborn & hardheaded (most likely), or if she would have been so sweet and calm. I don't know who she would have ended up looking like, and I don't know how our boys would have been with a little sister. (I'm guessing they would have loved her.) But she was my child. I loved her, and love her still. And on days like this, when a milestone comes along, I will miss her even more, and remember her, and wonder "what if". I hate that. I hate that I don't get to know, that I just have to speculate at how it could have been. So even though we didn't get time with her, in this life, she was mine, she was ours, and I can not wait until we can be together again.
3 comments:
Holly...I just read your post and can't imagine the devastation you are feeling. I am so sorry. {I didn't know this happened!}
The one thing that came to mind as I was trying to read through the tears is that you gave your little {Ellie} so much more than you can imagine. You gave her the opportunity to come to the earth and gain a body. That is a blessing for her and a major part of the plan! And even though you ache and will have a hard time getting over it, just think...you have someone on the other side that can pull strings for your family more than she can here on earth!
I hope you can find peace with such a difficult thing. Hang in there! Lots of love!
Way to make me cry! Holly, I am so sorry that you guys have to go through this. I can't even imagine how it must feel and I don't know what to do or say to help make you feel better, but I'm here for anything you need!
I'm sure it will never stop being hard, but at least you have a strong testimony that you will get to see your baby girl again. Let me know if you need anything!
What a really special post. You have been blessed to have helped your little girl come to this earth and receive her body. What a testimony of this wonderful, yet tough, life that we have to experience here on earth. What better gift can a mother give to their child, to help them to obtain a body and to return to our Heavenly Father. What special blessings you and your family will receive from all the challenges and sacrafices that we all must face.
I guess I would just remind you that our Heavenly Father knows and loves you and that he is always right there for you at any time. He knows your heartache and your joys.
Post a Comment