This week has been one of the worst weeks of my life! I have been worried about my baby for a while since she didn't seem to be as active as my boys were, but I attributed that to the fact that this was a girl, and that she was was in my back, and the placenta was all in the front. Anyway, on Wednesday I wasn't feeling very well, not unusual for this pregnancy, but my head hurt, and I just felt off. I was looking forward to my doctors appointment on Thursday to see how the baby was doing. Thursday morning, I woke up to find that I was bleeding. It was awful!
Cory was at work, and I couldn't get a hold of him. I called my mom even though she was at school, I didn't even think to worry about that. She didn't hesitate, she didn't even question, she just said "I'm getting a substitute, and I'll be right there." Finally, I got a hold of the doctor and they said to come right away. Once again, I didn't hesitate, or think to call and ask first, I just put my boys in the car and headed next door to my mother-in-laws house. She works in the mornings, but as soon as I walked in her home, she didn't ask, or hesitate, she just said "I'll take care of the boys!" So I was off to the doctor.
My doctor seriously is the most amazing man! He is the kind of doctor that actually makes a difference in the lives of the people he is watching over. Right when I walked in the nurse wanted to go through the regular stuff, weight, urine sample, etc. But the doctor just said "I know your scared, so let's just go right back and figure this out." I was so grateful that I didn't have to wait a second longer! We tried to find the heartbeat first, but we couldn't, so we walked over to the ultra sound. By this time, my mom had come, and I was so grateful I didn't have to be alone. Her unconditional love and comfort helped get me through that horrible moment when the image of my baby girl was on the screen. She wasn't moving, there was no heartbeat, and I knew before the doctor said anything that she was gone. My heart broke, and I broke. They let me cry and didn't try to get me to stop or tell me it would be okay. They knew it wasn't okay. And what do you say to someone at that point? They just gave me some time and some unspoken comfort. Then the doctor gave me some options. I didn't know what to do, or who to call, and once again he came to the rescue. He told me not to worry about one thing, he would handle all the arrangements, I was just to go to the hospital at 6:00pm.
I finally got a hold of Cory and he was home before I knew it. All the love and support from those closest to me got me through those next few hours. Finally, six o'clock came around and I was terrified. Not only was this bad enough, but I didn't really know what to expect. The Dr. had told me that it could be excruciating, my mom had gone through this same thing, and said it would probably hurt, so I was scared for the pain too!
We got to the hospital and walked in, and I was nervous that we would have to go through a lot of explaining, but as soon as we walked in and gave the nurse my name, they just said they were expecting me, and led us into our room. There we met Shellie. Dr. Verad had requested that she take care of us through all of this, and once again I am so grateful to him. She was absolutely wonderful! She knew exactly what to do, and she talked me through all of it, and she let me cry, and she cried with me, and she just made me feel as comfortable as possible. Dr. Verad had left strict instructions to just give me whatever I wanted so I wouldn't be in pain. I didn't expect to see him, but then around 7:00 pm he showed up! He said he had been thinking about us and just wanted to see us before he headed home. Once again how great is he?
They started me at about 6:30 pm and told me it would take a little while to get started, but once it started it should go pretty fast. I didn't go into labor until about 3:30 am on Friday morning. Things finally got bad enough for a little help, so I asked for something for the pain. Seriously, I can not remember the name of the drug they gave me, but I'm pretty sure it's 'street name' would be the "Roadrunner". It was freaking awesome! One thing about delivering a baby that is not living, you get drugs that are a heck of a lot more fun! I think the nurse realized how much I was liking that drug though because they switched it for something else the next time. Probably for the better!
Our sweet baby girl was born at 7:00 am Friday October 23, 2009. She was a tiny little thing, but she had all her fingers and toes, and looked beautiful to me! All the blood tests came back completely normal, and there was no sign of a cord accident. It's just one of those things that can not be explained, it just wasn't her time.
We were able to hold her and spend some time with her to say goodbye, and tell her how much we loved her. It was a tender moment that seemed almost sacred. I know we are an eternal family, and I know I will have a chance to raise her some day, and I look forward to that. Cory has been by my side through this entire thing and I honestly do not know what I would do without him. He seems to know what I need before I even ask for it, and just having him hold me and tell me it would all be okay, and his sweet blessing helped more than anything else.
Another cute nurse put our little girl in this outfit and got her hand print and foot print for us, I can not say how much I loved this hospital and the staff, and my doctor. They turned this unbearable situation into something beautiful for us. Later we found out that the hospital was slammed that night. They didn't have enough beds for all the people in labor and delivery, and the nurses were running all over. Cory and I seriously thought we were the only two people in he hospital that night because they were so attentive and so caring during the whole process, start to finish! Words can not say how much I wish this could have been different. I wish I had my sweet baby girl home with me right now being stressed about no sleep, and taking care of a newborn, and all the stuff that goes with having a new baby. However, I feel so blessed to have had her even for the short time I was able to be her mom. I love her and can't wait for the day we are reunited as a family!
Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. We are getting through this, but only because we know we are not alone.